“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
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You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.