For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
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[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
so i’m at the stock market right
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
oppen heimer style lol
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU