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In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.