nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
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If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
oh u like geography? name every lake
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.