I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
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It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
This kid is going places
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.