Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
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You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me trying to walk in a dream
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Ovenable?
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent