If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
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Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.