My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
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Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋