Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
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I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now