Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
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Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-