I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
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Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles