DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
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So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
🤣
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝