You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
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Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.