Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
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Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
scared to check what name she chose
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone