I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
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*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy