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Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.