*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
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[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Jurassic park gets weird
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them