wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
You Might Also Like
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
This kid is a star!
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?