It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
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24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
based al yankovic
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.