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•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
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me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo