My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
You Might Also Like
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
how to have an accident 101
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Oh no
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot