Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
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Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Thursday
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
I saw nothing
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
I already tried new things thanks.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?