[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
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What a kind woman! 😂😂
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.