“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
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Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
This has made my week.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*