*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
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It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.