My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
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I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona: