Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
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When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
I think I’m having a stroke
💻🤡
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
opening twitter today
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.