I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
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Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Room with a view.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.