Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
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When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
2023 was just a warmup
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad