That’s no pocket rocket.
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JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.