i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
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REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you