My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
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Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now