Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
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My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
We’ve all been there
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.