People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
You Might Also Like
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
San Francisco has too many rules
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?