Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
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[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
What do you hear?
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”