Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
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I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”