If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
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“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
My purse is deeper than some people.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”