THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
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Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.