It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
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Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean