Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
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Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny