I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
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Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.