Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
You Might Also Like
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Bread puns are on the rise!
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
My dress code is business-casualty.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
I have a new favorite meme page
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Google assistant rules