Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
You Might Also Like
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly