Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
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Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.