Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
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BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Saw your ex at the shops
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed