Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
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[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
SF is the wild wild west man
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.