Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
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me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
The Backseat Boys
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10