“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
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HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
we all know this pain all too well
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Challenge accepted.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.