*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
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Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Swedish for common sense.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.