I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
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Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Baking is just science you can eat.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*